Rush Limbaugh’s alive! He gave folks quite a scare
when he clutched at his heart and fell out of his chair.
It appeared that he croaked from his cardio ills.
But a quick diagnosis found a pining for pills.

A heartbroken Rush-bo almost died alone,
crestfallen about his dear Oxycodone.
Now a horde of sad ditto heads sighs with relief
that they’ll still have a place to obtain their beliefs.

It’s depressing for others who hoped he was dead.
But don’t fret, cause he’s still in a hospital bed.
If you hoped he would die, you can still try again.
Better luck with your dead pool in Two Thousand Ten.

A cop’s trademark ’stache has a very proud history.
Worn by fat cats, and villains, and dark men of mystery.
In the sixties and seventies ’staches were huge.
Over twenty long years of a moustache deluge.

When Tom Selleck wore one, the ladies still cheered.
Then goatees were ‘in’ and the ’stache disappeared.
While less common these days, it remains quite effectual
as a prop for a cop, cowboy or homosexual.

Larry King died
in nineteen ninety five
while expelling a lung of hot air.

Now he may be decaying
but the crew keeps hair spraying
as the corpse purges gas in the chair.

Some men collect numbers. Some men collect cars.
Some men collect STDs prowling in bars.
But other nice men have much cleaner desires.
They collect women’s panties from laundromat dryers.

Now this makes women angry. They think it’s a crime.
But both parties have needs, so it’s compromise time.
If you snatch women’s panties, please do what I tell you.
Leave twenty per pair – that’s a fair market value.

Victoria’s Secret costs four bucks a pair.
That’s a high value add for some panties you wear.
So show some compassion, girls. Stop all your squealing.
It’s a compliment that you have panties worth stealing.

Then everyone’s happy – the problem is solved.
There’s no need anymore to get police involved.
Leave your panties to tumble, there’s no one to catch.
And return to the profits you’ve earned with your snatch.

Please trim that pussy hair, dear.
It’s a rhyme, but I’m being sincere.
Leave a strip or shave bald
as it is you look mauled.
And when taming that beast, hit the rear.