When people say to ‘keep it real’
I usually smile and grunt.
It’s bad advice for real assholes.
If you’re one, keep a front.

Better to say ‘Keep it nice”
so assholes understand.
If that suggests you not be real
then fake it if you can.

The best way to tell other folks who you are
is to plaster your labels all over your car.
Your status and issues, or maybe your college.
Strut your stuff – show you’re special – woo the world with your knowledge.

Tell us all how you vote or of global unfairness.
It’s not you and your ego – it’s ‘raising awareness’.
Count your spawn – stick them on – the stick figures are cool.
Say “I’m Not of this World” – let us know you’re a Tool.

Be defined with a sticker – it’s easy that way.
We’ll know just how to treat you. You’ll know just what to say.
And remember the more that you say with your car
the more we will know just how special you are.

Russian woman on the net
I love a girl who begs.
And you’re a girl who can’t say ‘nyet’ -
you’re poor and have no legs.

I’ll carry you around all day.
You’ll always make me laugh.
And I’ll say in a loving way
you are my other half.

That goddamn dog ate shit again
and then he licked my face.
Oh god, there’s something wet stuck on my chin.

I smell his shit when I breathe in
and on my lips the taste.
Owned by my dog, it’s Shit Lips for the win!

Oh where is that beach where the yuppies all go?
I’m sure that you’ve seen it, so maybe you’ll know.
It’s the one with no sun glare where wind never blows.
And they lounge looking casual seated in rows.

It’s a beach full of yuppies in white shirts and jeans.
They go shoeless, it’s folksy, and it downplays their means.
Where do they all go to take pics by the sea?
And why do they all send the same shots to me?