There’s something inviting and kind of coquettish,
about sexy girls who hold back.
Humble and exciting, perhaps it’s a fetish.
They’re so different when they’re in the sack.

Like those mormon girls and the panties they wear.
What a mystery curtain of sin!
How explosive to confine such a tiger in there.
Even Saints have a sinner within!

These hot magic undies are deceptively cute
like an anime costume for blondes.
Half old lady panties, half cycling suit -
peel it off and that mormon girl spawns!

These are wrappers, it seems, for a repressed desire
so hold on if you should set one free.
For beneath that white body suit burns a hot fire.
Find your own magic undies and see.

If I were a muslim and waging jihad
I wouldn’t see virgins as treasure.
I’d have a demand that I’d make of my god,
Grant me sluts for my sexual pleasure!

For if Heaven was waiting with dozens of newbs
I’d eat bacon at least once an hour.
Give me hell with the bi-sluts, deep throats and fake boobs!
Give me lesbians inside my shower!

I would wonder inside before I pulled that cord
if exploding was worth toothy head.
And since guys who get whores can be men of the Lord
I’d become a good Christian instead.

If Jesus were real and he really came back
would he fight petty battles?
Would he wage an attack?
What would concern that rebellious jew?
I ask you, dear reader, what would Jesus do?

Would he tell us to hate and dehumanize gays?
And condemn them for loving in devious ways?
Would he scream and turn red if they wed just like you?
Is that what a loving Messiah would do?

Would his favorite women do nothing but chores?
Would he prefer the ‘pious’ – stop hanging with whores?
Would he tell them their place and praise sexism too?
Is degrading women what Jesus would do?

Would he pick up a rifle so freedom could thrive?
Would he drop bombs on kids? Would he burn them alive?
Would he torture goat herders and smear them with poo?
Are war crimes just some of what Jesus would do?

If Jesus were real and he really came back
I’d bitch slap that man like a mad whore on crack.
I’d know heaven was hell and the Devil was true
If you’re anything like what Lord Jesus would do.